E173 | Bonus | What I’ve Learned About Leadership

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And so, he—I always—we always knew what kind of temperament someone was in. I know what kind of temperament my current boss is in. I know when I can go in there and bring her some—some fuck shit, like, "Hey ma'am, something happened and I need you not to respond, I just need you to listen," or she's in a great mood, "Hey, I got this issue, I need your opinion on," and she'll be like, "Shoot," review it, maybe we laugh at some dumb shit that happened because of it, and then I go about my business and I go handle it. So consistency is going to be—is always going to be a superpower for you. When my students—when my students pick up on something like, I have one, he's a purple belt who, in my opinion, is one of the heartbeats of the gym because he's always taking care of people. If he's around me and he—he notices something, like I'm off, and it's not completely available to everyone. Like, most people don't notice when I'm off.

And I am naturally a quiet person, so people are going to get used to me being quiet. I like to joke about things, people are going to get used to me joking. But you—I don't think anyone at the gym has ever seen me angry. I don't think anyone at work has seen me angry, quote-unquote angry. Maybe annoyed, maybe frustrated with some things, but they've never seen me angry. So, be consistent in everything that you're doing, be consistent in how you're delegating tasks, how you're delegating or giving feedback. If you never want to be in a position where you ignore people for long periods of time. I had a boss that did not give feedback regularly. I've had an instructor who was not great at giving feedback regularly. So, oftentimes you didn't know where you stood. So you have to be consistent in the shorter and the long distance. So, give that feedback, even if it's just a couple of sentences, "Hey, put your hand here." It shows to the student and employee and the people around you, oh he's paying attention, she's paying attention, and they're noticing things about me. I'm not being ignored or relegated or um not being attended to. Make sure that you try to be consistent with everyone around you.

Setting up boundaries is going to be massive. There's going to be moments where you're going to have to set a boundary that people are not going to like. And in not liking it, you have to stand on business because you understand that either it does not mirror the environment you're trying to create, or it does not mirror the relationship you're trying to have with that person. Me, for example, lighter note. I did not like, when I was teaching kids, I did not like kids that were super huggy with me. So I set a boundary in which I did not do that even though they wanted to. I'm a guy, I'm teaching rough, you know, 6 to 7-year-olds. I loved the format, I loved being around them, I loved the energy. Kids are fantastic, they're brutally honest, they're fun to be around. But, I've just—I've never been a touchy-feely person, and I didn't like to put myself or them in a position where someone could ever say David was inappropriate, he touched them too long, or he hugged them too long, or any of those things.

My big boundary is: we're always going to respect each other regardless of rank. If we disagree, we're not going to raise our voices. If we disagree, we're not going to bad-mouth each other and call each other names. We're going to always have a discussion in respect, and it has to be centered around that if this relation is going to work. So I've always been big on this, and on the civilian side, I've had people who have pushed back on decisions or a situation. I'm perfectly fine with having a conversation about something you're upset about or a decision I made that you didn't think was fair, or that you think I was out of line on. Perfectly fine with it. But if it gets tense on your side, I'm going to shut it down. I don't like raised voices, I don't like any insinuation of disrespect, any of that. State your case, state state it professionally, calmly, and we can discuss. And I've had certain situations where maybe an employee was really upset with a decision and I tried to explain what it is and they keep pushing back, and I'm like, "Look, this is the decision. I'm sorry you don't appreciate it, but this is the decision that was made because of XYZ things that you're not quite aware of. But I can't make a different decision for this, so this is where we're going. You don't necessarily have to be happy, I'm fine with you telling me that you're not happy or why you're not happy, but we need to keep it professional." And I've had to have had those conversations sometimes, and it should always be that way. You should always set up some kind of boundaries. You do not want people walking all over you at the gym or on the civilian side, or even with your personal side. There's times when something may happen at the gym, nothing crazy with me, at least. But sometimes I'll overhear something that maybe isn't on par with what I—what the gym should be. And so, I kind of shut it down or I have a conversation about it, and it gets worked out. But you have to set those boundaries.

Lastly, and this brings me back to like that conversation that there was an interview with Kobe Bryant, where he was asked is leadership lonely, and he says yes, but he's fine with it. I have had to get comfortable with lonely—with leadership being lonely. It's fun, it's rewarding, you get to mentor a lot of people, you get to push a lot of people past their what they—their perceived limitations are, and you get to see people foster and grow and develop into these versions of themselves that they don't always—they didn't think were possible. But, leadership is lonely. You're going to have to make decisions that the group is not going to like. Sometimes you have to make a decision on a class structure that maybe is better for student development, but they don't think is as fun. Maybe you're going to have to make a decision on eliminating a class because it doesn't fit the model that you guys are currently in. So, you're going to have to make these decisions from time to time that are genuinely lonely. A student might want to get promoted and feel that they're ready, but you have to hold them back because you're like, you still need a couple of months. There's a couple of things I still need you to work on. And they're going to be a little bit on the outs with you, potentially, but you have to understand that leadership's lonely. And while we're all students of Jiu-Jitsu, or workers at—at a plant, or a warehouse, or an office, when you're in a leadership position, you're going to make decisions and be in the position where you are going to be by yourself and misunderstood sometimes. There's plenty of times when I'm like, I need a student to do XYZ, or I need an employee to do XYZ, and they don't quite understand it. You explain it, they may still not agree with it, but it just is what it is. Like, as a promoting instructor, there's certain things that I want out of a student, and they don't always understand that want versus the need or the want to get promoted. And you have to kind of have a conversation, it's like, so I'm—you're missing these key elements and this is what I want you to work on. Do I have your word you'll work on these things? Most of the time, they're like yes. But again, you have to have that conversation, you have to initiate that conversation. Which is difficult sometimes, and depending on your personality, could be scary. But you have to come into these positions as instructors and lead instructors and owners and people who are running programs or supervisors, that no matter how friendly everyone is, you're the one person that's different from everyone else, and when you make decisions, not everyone's going to like it, and a lot of the conversations that you have to have that are difficult, they're going to put you on the out of other people and you're going to feel lonely and you have to be okay with it.